“PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF PALE-INN

All one need do is examine this excerpt from the purported “PROTOCOLS
OF THE ELDERS OF PALE-INN ” to recognize its true intentions. This is
not a charming piece of archaic folklore but a plot by the Lames,
agents of the Zar’s secret police. Not only has this document been
used to inflame passions against the Pale-Innites and Pale-Innism in
general, but, as most recently, against the Grizzly Mama herself. This
is why the latest to hold that honored title was led to speak to the
latest outrage...and in the manner most familiar to her ‘Tea’ Sect.
All is revealed in the Book of Tweets, Holy Scroll-down binary code
00101001101010101, to read her testimony in her blackest berry ink, in
the unmistakable tone of pure Mama Bull.
“The message is clear here. This is a rerun of the tired, old
plot by the Lame Brains, trying once more to destroy all the work
we’ve done to rebrand our faith, for middle class consumers of heady
potions, by creating a superstition around the origins of the Grizzly
Mama. Pale-Innism was born out of a thirst for religious freedom–not
just some vague party for teas! Why is it every time some bohunk shows
up with a shaved head and a bunch of women running riot, do we Grizzly
Mama’s get blamed? This nefarious plot is nothing less than a blatant
attempt to slap us with a blood label! And you know how hard it is to
get the UPC’s to work when they’ve been damaged–it just won’t scan!
That bald-headed guy isn’t the victim here–we are!”